Expense Reports
by Regina Raptorum
Summary: Tseng wants Reno to give him explanations for some of the outlandish things he expenses; set between FFVII and Advent Children. One shot. Please RR.


**Author's Note:** Oh look! I've wandered back again! Here is another fic for your reading pleasure. Little FFVII one shot, with my favorite Turks. Set between the game and the movie. Enjoy, and please review.

I do not own Reno, Tseng, or any character associated with Final Fantasy VII. Nor do I own the game in question. I'm not making any money of this, and I have no money anyway, so suing me would be an exercise in futility.

* * *

"You wanted to see me, boss?" Reno poked his spiky head through Tseng's door.

"Yes. Come in and sit down." Tseng grimaced at Reno's wrinkled suit and loose tie, but there wasn't any point in saying anything about it. Not now, anyway. Actually, he didn't think Reno had looked presentable in years.

Reno sprawled in one of the available chairs and smirked at his superior. "What's the reprimand for this time? Research goons ticked that I might have rerouted the air conditioning system from the executive bathrooms again?"

Tseng raised an eyebrow. "That was you?"

"Well, of course it was. Who did you think did it? Moogles?"

Tseng shook his head and sighed. Experience had taught him that there was only so much control he could reasonably exert over his department; the whole point was that the Turks were there to do things that other departments couldn't get away with. Besides, there was a feud between the research department and the Turks that went back at least thirty years. Asking them to stop tormenting each other was a waste of time. Especially since Tseng himself would quite gleefully participate in it from time to time. "Though I can't promise that won't come up in the future, there is no reprimand this time."

Reno looked incredulous. "Tseng... ever since you hired me, the only reason I've set foot in this office... ever... is to get reprimanded. This makes me sort of nervous."

"We need to discuss some of the charges in your last six months' worth of expense reports."

First Reno looked relieved as things returned to normal, then confused. "The hell? Since when do you give a shit about my expense reports? You don't give a damn what I do as long as I keep the property damage to a minimum! You told me so yourself!"

"You're right, I don't." Tseng shrugged. "But I do have to justify the outlandish things I let you expense at the next budget meeting."

"And since when do you give a shit about the budget meetings? The entire accounting department is scared of you! Hell, they're scared of _Elena_, and she's mostly harmless!"

"I have to justify them to _Rufus_ at the next budget meeting."

"Oh." For a moment, Reno looked sympathetic. Then his rebellious streak took over again. "Hey! Why is it just me that gets hauled in here? You didn't question Rude about his expense reports, and they're weirder than mine! I mean, come on! Three crates of mog plushies, enough weapons grade explosives to recreate the explosion at Gongaga, and a jeep? Seriously! And that was just _this week's_!"

Tseng just looked at him. "Three reasons. Rude does not run amok nearly as often or as blatantly as you do. Most of what Rude expenses ends up getting charged to weapons development since it usually ends up being a new type of explosive. And I've seen his itemized list of expenses; frankly, I don't _want_ to know what he does with them."

"And what about Elena?" Reno demanded. "You didn't get onto her about expensing a twenty pound bar of chocolate yesterday!"

Tseng rolled his eyes. "Elena had the good sense to expense that as a meal. Besides, do you know what she expensed about this time _last_ month? And the month before, and the month before _that_?"

Realization dawned. "A twenty pound bar of chocolate?"

"Precisely. Now, given how highly strung Elena can be under the _best_ of circumstances, do you really think it would be a wise idea to call her on this?"

"I guess not." Reno leaned back and propped his feet on Tseng's desk. "Okay, shoot."

"Let's start with the eighty gil cover charge to a strip club in Sector 3."

"I was meeting an informant."

"And you couldn't have set up a more secluded and/or respectable meeting?"

Reno shrugged. "She worked there. It was the most convenient."

"Your informant is a stripper."

"Hey, just because a woman takes her clothes off for gil doesn't mean she doesn't hear shit."

"You couldn't meet her after her shift was over? In a more discreet setting?"

"Dude. She got off at three. I had a mandatory staff meeting at six the next morning. Your meeting."

"And that would be the same mandatory staff meeting you later skipped?"

Reno snorted. "That was three months ago. Like you remember what I did or did not do on a particular day."

Tseng shrugged. "It's not so much that I remember specifically as it is the fact that you haven't been to any of my meetings in three years."

"What's your point?"

Tseng shook his head and continued. "All right. If you could only meet her after her shift, care to explain the open bar tab at the same club that was opened at the same time the bar did at 11 a.m. to 1 a.m? Which resulted in a 700 gil charge for alcohol?"

"Bribes, man. Bribes."

Tseng stared at his subordinate for a moment. "You just stayed in the bar all day drinking and watching the show, didn't you?"

Reno smirked again. "Oh, I didn't just _watch_."

"Well, that would explain the 200 gil charge for a private room and the 500 gil for 'special services'."

Reno had the grace to look embarassed, and rubbed the back of his head. "Eh... that one's actually legit."

"Oh? How could that possibly be legitimate?"

Reno shrugged. "Well, how else was I supposed to get the information and pay her? Word gets out she's informing to the Turks, someone'll blow her head off. And that would suck, she's hot."

"Oh, so there actually was an informant?" Tseng raised an eyebrow.

"Hey. I don't lie to you _all_ the time."

Tseng rolled his eyes. "Very well. Next up is a ten thousand gil charge at the Gold Saucer."

"As much crap as goes down at the Saucer?" Reno snorted. "I just thought it would be easier to get one of those lifetime passes."

"Ten thousand is extremely expensive."

Reno shrugged. "It's good for the whole department, who the fuck cares?"

Tseng made a note. "And the three hundred gil bet on the chocobo races?"

"How do you think we pay off Dio?" Reno made a face. "Bastard doesn't want it coming out that he lets us do our thing up there. So every so often, one of us loses at the races or whatever. Ask Rude."

"Be that as it may." Tseng flipped to another page. "There's a note here that you won that bet at five to one odds, resulting in a fifteen hundred gil win."

"It was a damned rookie! He should have gotten creamed!" Reno exploded. "How was I supposed to know?!"

"Yet I notice there haven't been any deposits into the expense account. Which you know you're supposed to do in such cases," Tseng remarked dryly.

"Yeah, well, I had to go and lose three hundred of that, or Dio would have gotten pissy."

Tseng raised an eyebrow. "Since when do you care in the slightest about people being angry with you? Don't you find it amusing?"

"Well, yes, but. Have you seen Dio? He's huge!" Reno shook his head. "He could punt me to Costa del Sol, I'm not gonna mess with him."

"Hm." Tseng glared at the redhead. "I expect the rest to be deposited to cover some of your other indiscretions."

"You suck."

"Do I now." Tseng didn't look up as he found another item. "Dare I ask what you needed three prom dresses, seven feather boas, and enough tranquilizers to put an adamantoise under for?"

"Hey, I took three girls to their senior prom."

Tseng stared. "Reno... I can safely say that you're a jackass and a son of a bitch... but you're not _that _kind of son of a bitch."

Reno groaned and dropped his head into his hands. "Do you remember how we wanted to get Don Corneo out of the way, except we couldn't kill him, because one of the admins was running him? And we couldn't find some way to bring him up on charges, because all the evidence always vanished?"

"Yeeeeeeess..."

"Well, we decided to try to get some evidence that wouldn't walk away as soon as we turned our backs, and to do that, we had to get into his mansion. And you know there was only one way to get into his mansion when he didn't want to let you."

"I don't like where this is going."

"Yeah. We didn't either. Trust me on this, you don't want to know."

Tseng was still staring at Reno. "I suppose Elena was in one of those dresses. And though it would frighten me terribly, I can see you in one of those dresses. But there are only four full time employees in this department, and I know I wasn't there... Who... was in... the third dress?"

"What part of 'you don't want to know' do you not understand?" Reno snapped, glaring.

"All right, all right, fine. Did you at least get the evidence?" Tseng asked, rubbing his head.

Reno shook his head. "No. That's about the same time Corneo thought it would be a good idea to fuck with AVALANCHE, and the next time we saw him, Rude and I sort of drop-kicked him off a mountain in Wutai."

Tseng nodded. "Ah yes. When he had the appallingly bad sense to kidnap Elena and that Kisaragi girl."

"Elena's a twit, but..." Reno shrugged. "She's one of us."

"Indeed." Tseng rifled through some more papers. "Three cartons of cigarettes?"

Reno looked hurt. "We're allowed to expense that sort of personal shit. The Blond Bastard said so himself."

"You don't smoke, Reno."

"Yeah, well..." Reno rolled his eyes. "Okay, I may have traded those to Cid Highwind for a ride."

"We have company transportation."

"Just because I can fly the damn helicopter doesn't mean I always want to, or that I always want admin to know where I'm going."

Tseng sighed. "And, of course, it would be a waste of time to ask you where you did go." He shook his head. "What's this charge at an animal shelter? Really, Reno."

The redhead grinned. "Hey, you know, I bought a sad little kid a puppy. She was cryin' and everything. Improving the company image, you know?"

"And yet you hate animals, don't like children, and don't give a damn about the company image."

"You spoil all my fun." Reno scowled. "Fine. I owed Lockheart a favor, and she was gonna kick my ass if I didn't pay up. Said we'd be even if I got a birthday present for one of those kids that lives with her and Strife."

"I see." He found another page. "What's this about motorcycle repair?"

"Hey, I'm just asking for reimbursement on that one."

"So I see. Why?"

"Strife totaled mine."

Tseng was definitely getting a headache. "And why would he do that?"

Reno shrugged. "Hell, I don't know. It's Strife, does he need a reason?"

Dammit, he had a point. Tseng admitted defeat. "He does seem to enjoy destroying ShinRa property whenever he gets the chance."

"Yeah, no shit. I think he's still mad about the SOLDIER thing. I can't really blame him."

Tseng couldn't either. Not really. He shuffled through some more papers. "Funny how the only charge on this entire list that actually looks legitimate is the one that arouses the most suspicion."

"Oh? What's that?"

"A purchase at the weapons shop in Junon. A high-powered rifle."

"High profile assassination," Reno said instantly. "Didn't want to tie it back to the company."

Tseng just looked at him. "I haven't ordered any assassinations for quite some time now. And nothing that would be considered high profile."

Reno was quiet for a moment. "Look, I'll be honest with you. I was gunning for Hojo. He got just a little too weird when he heard about that Aeris girl."

"Acceptable. Why didn't you shoot him?"

"Never got the chance," Reno replied, shrugging. "He was either holed up in the lab, or I was out trying to contain that mess with AVALANCHE or the WEAPONS or some shit like that. The best time would have been when he was chilling at Costa Del Sol, and I was busy chasing Scarlett's ass all over Midgar."

"I see." Tseng made a notation. "At least AVALANCHE was able to put him out of our misery."

Reno snorted. "It was about time someone iced the bastard. I'm just sorry it wasn't me."

"I think we all share that sentiment," Tseng said dryly. "All right, you can go. I know how to spin all of the rest of this so Rufus won't complain."

Reno stood up and stretched. "Kay. Is Rufus ever gonna come back officially, or is he just gonna let Reeve keep pretending to run the show?"

"I don't know," Tseng said, shrugging. "He says there are advantages to being presumed dead, but his ego _is_ bigger than the old building. I don't know if he can stand staying in the shadows." Reno snickered. "By the way, he's got a new assignment for us, when Rude comes back from... whatever it was he was doing that I don't want to know about."

Reno raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"Mm. He wants us to go out to the North Crater and see if anything useful is still lying around."

"That place is Spook Central." Reno groaned. "Terrific."


End file.
